Gloriagate Scandal

Complete Recordings of the alleged wire-tapped conversation of Commissioner Garcilliano:

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11]
[12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] [21] [22]
[23] [24] [25] [26] [27] [28] [29] [30] [31] [32 ][33]

Cellphone Ringtones

Jokes

May nagdeliver ng crib sa Tanay, at nagalit si ERAP.

ERAP: Wala naman akong baby dito ah!

Delivery man: Sir, lilipat na rin po si Gloria!

BREAKING NEWS -

1) Bumaba na sa Malacanang si Presidente Gloria Macapagal nitong 6:30 a.m.

2) At muling umakyat matapos mag-almusal dahil nasa ibaba ang kusina ng Malacanang!!!

3) Lalabas ng bansa ang First Gentleman dahil pinawalang bisa ang kasal nila ni GMA dahil nadiskubreng magkapatid pala sila. According to Susan Roces, "Ang Sinungaling ay kapatid ng Magnanakaw”.

TANONG: Kung si Joey Maquez ay may Movie na Bikining Itim, Si Eddie Gil naman ay Pekukang Itim...Ano naman si Gloria Arroyo??? SAGOT: E di DIWENDENG ITIM!

Latest News: GMA's probable REAL SPEECH June 27, 2005(In Parentheses)



Mga minamahal kong kababayan (My God, look at you all! You all look excited!)

For the last several weeks, the issue of the tape recordings has spun out of control (Thanks but no thanks to Toteng Bunye’s blunder. I have advised him to find a new job). Tonight, I want to set the record straight (My cabinet forced me to). You deserve an explanation from me, (As if you care!) because you are the people I was elected to serve (As if I had a choice).

As you recall, (Of course you do! Kaya nga ako napilitang magsalita eh!) the election canvassing process was unnecessarily slow (I was partly to blame! Didn’t you hear the tape? I asked Garci if they could delay the Senatorial canvassing!) even after the election results were already in and the votes had been counted.

I was anxious to protect my votes (But I was more eager to make sure I’d win by 1 million) and during that time had conversations (Not with Boy Abunda, my ardent supporter) with many people, including a Comelec official (Whom I refuse to identify because the mere mention of his name sends me shivers). My intent was not to influence the outcome of the election (I already knew the results you idiots), and it did not. As I mentioned, the election had already been decided (With the help of my allies in Congress) and the votes counted. And as you remember, the outcome had been predicted by every major public opinion poll and adjudged free, fair and decisive by international election observers, and our own Namfrel (Whose officers including Bill Luz of the Makati Business Club and RFM’s Joe Concepcion donated a hefty amount to my campaign chest).

That said, let me tell you how I personally feel. I recognize that making any such call was a lapse in judgment (And since I had to call Garci several times during the election period, I would consider that “lapses in judgment!”). I'm sorry (It is SO against my lofty pride but I should say so). I also regret taking so long to speak before you on this matter (I had to consult my lead counsel, former Supreme Court Justice Jose Vitug). I take full responsibility for my actions (If I could only put the blame on Noli De Castro) and to you and to all those good citizens who may have had their faith shaken by these events. I want to assure you that I have redoubled my efforts (Believe me! I have been urging Mikey and Iggy to resign from Congress) to serve the nation and earn your trust.

Nagagambala ako (Birthday ngayon ni Mike at wala siyang blow out party). Maliwanag na may kakulangan sa wastong pagpapasya ang nangyaring pagtawag sa telepono (Sana, nag-text na lang ako). Pinagsisisihan ko ito nang lubos (I can’t believe I am saying this). Pinananagutan ko nang lubusan ang aking mga ginawa, at humihingi ako ng tawad sa inyo (Ang ‘di magpatawad, pangit!), sa lahat ng mga butihing mamamayan na nabawasan ng tiwala dahil sa mga pangyayaring ito. Ibig kong tiyakin sa inyo na lalo pa akong magsisikap upang maglingkod sa bayan at matamo ang inyong tiwala.

I took office with a mandate (Albeit a questionable one) to carry out a plan for the nation. Since that time, I have focused on making the tough but necessary decisions (Like canceling the showing of Mikey’s latest movie Sablay na, Pasaway pa!) to make up for years of economic neglect. We passed a comprehensive, fiscally responsible national budget; raised new and necessary revenues (Otherwise known as VAT which you have to pay) to reinvest in the people; and implemented new anticorruption measures that have led to the highest collection of taxes in history (At the expense of your revered celebrities like Regine Velasquez, Judy Ann Santos, and Richard Gomez and of course, my favorite student Sec. Arthur Yap.).

Nothing should stand in the way of this work (Not Sammy Ong. Not Sandra Cam. Not even an aging archbishop who is battling Alzheimer’s disease), or the next phase of my reform agenda, which includes new investments in education and social services with our new revenues; and an expansion of our successful anticorruption and lifestyle checks.

That is why I want to close this chapter (Forget about impeachment. You don’t have the numbers) and move on with the business of governing.

I ask each and every one of you (Meaning, both the Kapuso and Kapamilya viewers) to join hands with me in a show of unity (We will do this at the Luneta Grandstand), to help forge One Philippines, where everyone is equal under the law (Perhaps with the exception of my husband, my son and my brother-in-law) and where everyone has the opportunity to use their God-given talents (That's why we have shows like Starstruck and Star Circle Quest) to make a better life.

Our nation is strong (I think) and getting stronger (Don’t you think?). The progress is steady (If not for those damned wiretapped conversations) and I ask you to walk with me on this journey to rebuild our great nation (Let’s do it together and quick! Bangladesh is slowly catching up!). I remain your humble servant (Until the next scandal!) and promise you that I will fulfill my constitutional oath of office to serve the people (Especially the Cebuanos) to the best of my ability.

God Bless the Philippines. (And me. Five more years… sigh. Ang tagal pa no’n!)

***

Flash: GMA popularity ratings reach an all time high. Her CD reached platinum in less less than a week.



***

GMA to Garci: Hello Garci. Pasahan mo naman ako ng load, este, vote.



***

Chika Minute!:
Magpaplit na raw ng pangalan ang GIFTGATE. Ang ipapalit, GLORIAGATE. Ang pagpapalit ng pangalan ay bunga umano ng pagkalaos ng kanilang main product na si Hello Kitty at paglutang naman ng kanilang bagong best seller na HELLO GARCI !!!

***



Aba naman Gloria, puno ka na ng grasya. Kayamanan ng bayan nasa iyo na. Bukod kang pinagpala sa iyong angkan. Wala nang natira sa AMEN.



***



Q: Y cant GMA come out n say “m not d ma'am n d tape?

A: She doesn't want 2 lie.



***

Babae: Lahat ng Arroyo magnanakaw!
Lalake: Ang sakit mo naman magsalita.
Babae: Bakit Arroyo ka ba?
Lalake: Di ah! Magnanakaw ako!

***

Front cover ng Time Magazine... GMA: “THE LORD PUT ME HERE”. Ang tanong: Sinong Lord:
A. Jueteng Lord
B. Smuggling Lord
C. Drug Lord
D. All of the above



***

Iggy will prove he is GMA in the tape. He is now practicing how to imitate GMA's voice. Abangan... THE FEMALE VERSION OF JOSE PIDAL.

***

Sbn nLa
swerte
at maayos
daw ang
buhay
pag my
dwendE
sa bahay...

e bkit sa malakanyang
may dwende nktira

pro
hirap
p rn ang
pilipinas?

***

Q: What special feature is added in the cellphones of Mike, Mikey and Iggy Arroyo?
A. Call jueteng.

***

Q: What is GMA's secret business in the last elections?
A: Pasa-vote

***

Newest movies in town:LORDS OF THE RINGS
Mike Arroyo: Smuggling RING
Mikey Arroyo: Jueteng RING
Iggy Jose Pidal Arroyo: Money LaundeRING



***

Warning: Gen. Garcia, Winston Garcia, Comm. Garcillano, first Gentlemen myt led Gloria to another G: her grave!

***



Diyosa na reynang pandak na may nunal na nanganganak ng sumpa sa bayang binabalakubak. Nanalong magnanakaw, lunod sa balisawsawng asawang bakulaw.

***

GMA: Y shud I resign? D naman yung SEX TAPE namin ni Nani ang n expose... Ooops! Sori i didnt authorize myself 2 say sex tape. It was Bunye's idea.

***

Panoorin niyo sa Channel 9!!! May mga tangkeng galing kay GMA papasok na sa San Carlos seminary!!! Naubusan na yata sina Father ng Shellane!!!

***

Bunye: I resign.
GMA: Wag muna... it will destabilize. Stay 4 a wyl and I will fire u after 3 months.

***

Chinese uncle negosyante catches nephew stealing money from cash register. Slaps him and shouts: Walanghiya!
Macapagal mukha mo! Nephew cries: Arroy o!

***

Q: Bakit tahimik pa rin si GMA kahit napakainit ng isyu sa kanya?
A: Baka daw siya mabosesan.

***

Garci: Hindi ako nagtatago noh! Nakikipag-phonepal ako kay Saddam!

***

Ang mga nangyayari sa ating bansa parang teleserye:
Yung jueteng scandal ang title “Mga anak ng jueteng.”
Yun namang Gloriagate scandal “Tap si Glo!”

***

BUNYE: I have the authentic tape! Their’s is the doctored sister!
PAGUIA: My tape is the older sister of Bunye’s tape!
ONG: I have the mother of all tapes!
ERAP: Anak ng jueteng! All I have is the Querida with me, I mean the step-mother of the grand mother of all those mother tapes!!! But the Querida always knows more, ask Julie Yap!
ATE GLOW: You fools! I am the surrogate mother to all those tapes! Sorry, all those wiretapped materials are just phone rehearsals for my upcoming movie with Eddie Garci entitled “Lagot ka, lagot ka! The Movie!” And yes, we leaked the tape as a publicity stunt. Thanks for all the publicity.

***

GLORIA'S PRAYER
Gambling Lord's
Who art in Jueteng
Hakot be thy name
Thy kickback come
Thy wealth be done in Malacañang
As it is in Pampanga!

Amin yan!

* * *

Aba, Ginang Gloria napupuno ka ng grasya.
Ang kayamanan ng tao ay sumaiyo na.
Bukod kang pinagpapala sa babaeng lahat
at pinagpala naman ang iyong anak na si Mikey.

Santa-santitang Gloria, ina ni Lion King
Ipanalangin mo na kay Bush ang iyong mga kasalanan
Ngayon at baka mamaya ay magkaisa ang bayan at paalisin ka na.
Amen.



* * *

NAGBABAGANG BALITA: Nakatakdang aminin ni Iggy Arroyo na siya ang boses ng babae sa tape. Napabalitang bumalik na siya sa Pilipinas upang simulan ang pag-aaral sa boses ni GMA.